Camelot Knight Life
by goodgirl275
Summary: The knights hang out in the armory on a normal day. May repost after editing. Cross posted on AO3. Warnings: mild gore, crack!fic


It was a normal day in Camelot. The sun was shining, birds were chirping, and Merlin was foiling some dastardly scheme to kill Arthur or some other such nonsense. It was also a normal day for Gwaine: guard rotations to weasel out of, taverns full of pretty women to loiter around, idiot kings to prank... To prepare for the (admittedly normal) MONUMENTAL occasion of pranking Arthur, Gwaine had to prepare his prank. So on this absolutely normal morning, Gwaine found himself digging around the armory searching for cheap gags as the other knights looked on in resigned disappointment and annoyance.

"Hey, Percy, do you know where I can find a rubber chicken?" Gwain probed the knight wearing a tank top made of chain mail.

"Has rubber even been invented yet?" Elyan queried as he pulled on his leather boots.

Another knight opened his mouth to speak, but failed to say a word as his head imploded, splattering gore on everyone else's armor. The knights moaned and groaned in frustration, their previously spotless armor now in need of a servant and some silver polish.

"OI!" Gwaine roared, spinning around. "Don't go dying and getting a mess on everyone else's stuff! This armor is a bitch to clean!"

"How would you know?!" Merlin shouted from where he was gathering the remains of some string and feathers from where the now headless knight's body was resting precariously on a bench. "You never take the time to clean your own, only pushing it off on some servant! Who usually pushes it off on ME!" Merlin stormed out of the room before Gwaine could respond, feathery wire clutched firmly in his grip even as it appeared to try to wriggle and flutter away.

"Didn't even give me a chance to respond," Gwain pouted as the rest of the knights began to put on fresh armor.

"Hey, guys..." Lancelot said. "Why is there so much blood?"

"What do you mean, Lancelot?" Leon asked politely. "When someone's head explodes, blood and gore must be expected."

"Yeah, but..." Lancelot said. "Usually there isn't any blood no matter how much we slice and hack our opponents up. Why is that?"

Elyan, Leon, and Percival shared a meaningful and intimate glance before Gwaine piped up, "It's MAGIC, Lance~"

The knights all groaned, well used to the "peasant" knight's antics, only to have their righteous whining cut off as King Arthur stormed into the room. "Where is Merlin?" the King asked politely, a strained, obviously false smile stretched on his face.

"Why, so you can indulge some strange new fetish with your boy-toy?" teased Gwaine.

"He left a while ago with some string and feathers," Lancelot replied to his king, completely serious. "We think it's what killed the poor sap in the corner."

Everyone's attention was drawn back to the headless knight, flies already starting to gather around his corpse.

"Everyone's going to ignore me?!" Gwaine wailed, one hand to his forehead. "I think I may faint. Percy, catch me!" Percival made no move to catch his comrade, letting him tumble gracelessly to the ground.

"... Oh," said Arthur, who turned on his heel and made his way back to the door of the room. "Leon, make sure that... uh... Sir What's-his-name get's a proper send off. Friends, family, all that."

"Why me?!" Leon shrieked, unwilling to do extra work for a dead guy whose name none of them even knew.

"You're the most responsible one, or something," Arthur said. He stared solemnly at Gwaine, then turned to look Leon dead in the eyes. "I'm trusting this issue to you, Leon. Do not let your King down." With one final swish of his majestic red cape, the King left the room to continue his hunt for his wayward manservant.

There was silence in the armory, until Gwaine broke it with the clatter of armor as he moved to pick himself up off the ground. Leon moved to the deceased knight, still in a backbend over a wooden bench, to prepare him for transport. "Might as well keep the armor..." He sighed as he began undressing the headless corpse.

"That's just weird, Leon," Gwaine said before he swished an invisible cape and followed Arthur out of the room, rubber chicken clutched in his hand. As soon as the door slammed behind him, his laughter could be heard echoing down the stone hallway and through the heavy oak door of the armory.

"What should we do now that our comic relief has left?" Percy inquired, ignoring Leon's grumbling in the corner.

A smirk grew on Elyan's face as he turned to Lancelot. "What's cookin' good lookin'?" He flirted, leaning casually on a wall.

Lancelot did a spit take, but since he didn't have a glass of water or wine he just kind of made a loud "PFFFFF" noise. The handsome knight of Camelot staggered and collapsed against the wall, slain not by a mighty foe and the cool embrace of death, but of warmth in his heart.

"I think you killed him," said Percival, looking at the foam beginning to drip from Lancelot's mouth.

"Want to go grab some grub?" asked Elyan casually, uninterested in the plight he caused his friend.

"Sure, why not," Percy smiled, and the two knights linked arms and strolled out of the armory, leaving a still muttering Leon with the deceased (?) Lancelot.

There was a moment of silence as Leon stopped his noble work of stripping a dead guy to look at the pretty knight.

"A kiss from the handsome Prince will wake the Princess," Leon muttered softly. "Though in this case, maybe one knight of the king can wake another?"

Leon kneeled next to the corpse of his friend, and cleaned the foam from his lips. He stared at them, chapped and tender, and leaned in until his breaths hit Lancelot's face. He made to capture tender maiden Lancelot's lips, but before he could, the man moaned, long and loud. Leon jumped back and grabbed the headless corpse, using it as a shield between him an his friend.

"By Avalon, your breath smells terrible!" Lancelot wailed.

"You're certainly unappreciative to a man... friend... _close friend_ who just saved your life!" Leon fumbled, his tongue leaden in his mouth as he tried to speak to the man he had nearly taken advantage of while unconscious. "If this is the thanks I get for trying to help you, then I'm out of here!"

"Wait, what were you even trying to do?!" Cried Lancelot as Leon stormed out of the room, corpse tucked under his arm.

Lancelot found himself alone in the armory, gore liberally splashed on the walls. Lancelot began to wander, what would everyone do if Lancelot died? Would everyone mourn Lancelot? Or would they treat Lancelot's corpse like the corpse of that man? Lancelot began thinking of the inevitability of death, if there was another world for Lancelot to go to once he slipped free of the shackles of the mortal plane. Lancelot-

"You coming or what?" Asked Leon, poking his head back into the room and breaking Lancelot out of his spiral of existential thoughts.

"Lancelot is coming- I mean, I'm coming!" Lance slipped through the door, leaving an empty, bloody armory behind him.

Yep, just another day.


End file.
